Perception
by bunjamina66
Summary: Episode tag to 'Broken Ties'. After recovering from the Wraith enzyme withdrawal, Ronon needs to talk to a certain physicist…


**Perception **

**By Flossy**

Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fan fiction, and as such is for fan enjoyment only. All recognizable characters/settings are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is made. I'm afraid that despite wishing that I did, I don't own these characters. Not even my muses' voodoo could make them mine (and believe me, they used a LOT of chicken blood and other such occult doodads), nor could my militant blue badgers. DO NOT MESS WITH THE BADGERS. Still, I suppose that having the boys out on loan for a while is better than nothing…

Summary: After recovering from the Wraith enzyme withdrawal, Ronon needs to talk to a certain physicist…

Central Character(s): Rodney and Ronon.

Category (ies): Episode Tag, h/c, friendship.

Placement: Season Five, following 'Broken Ties'.

Rating: PG due to talk about drugs and addiction.

Spoilers: Season Two's 'The Lost Boys/The Hive' and Season Five's 'Broken Ties'.

A/N: Another entry for my 'Aftermath' series. There isn't a lot of Ronon/Rodney fic out there, and this seemed like an ideal piece to write. There may be some similarities with my story 'Changes', but that's coincidence. At least, that's what the badgers tell me. (They made me do it. They held my teddy bear at gunpoint…)

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Ronon Dex made his way to the balcony on the east pier. It was late and the Satedan was grateful that there no one was around – there had been far too many stares for his liking, especially since it had only been a couple of days since his release from the infirmary. He absent-mindedly rubbed at his wrists where the restraints had been as he walked. He couldn't really remember much of the 'come down' from the enzyme, but the odd flashes that crossed his mind were enough to let him know that it hadn't been easy on anyone. The desperation, the burning need for more… And the pain he'd seen on his friend's faces…

The ex-runner was not known for his verbal skills, but this was something he needed to do. He just hoped that his hunch was correct.

The door to the balcony swished open and he grunted softly as the chilly night air hit his skin. His night vision kicked in almost immediately, thanks to the years spent as a runner, and he spotted a lone figure leaning against the balcony. Taking a deep breath to try and dispel the sudden and unexpected bout of nervousness, he walked forward.

"Hey, little man."

Dr Rodney McKay spun around, looking momentarily panicked. "What… Oh, it's you," he said, letting out a sigh of relief. "You know, you and Sheppard must have a bet on who'll kill me first."

Dex frowned. "What d'you mean?"

McKay crossed his arms and leant back against the railing, raising an eyebrow. "Both of you have gotten into this nasty habit of sneaking up on me. Not nice, Conan."

Ronon grinned. "Helps pass the time." He looked around and Rodney could see that the big man was… nervous? Not a good sign. Of all the things that the Satedan was, nervous was something he'd never seen before. "Can I, uh, talk to you?"

"I don't know," the Canadian replied, trying to ease his team-mate's obvious discomfort. "Can you? Talk, that is."

The Satedan snorted a laugh, and the atmosphere lightened. He walked up and wrapped his huge hands around the rails. "I, uh, I just wanted to say that I understand now."

Rodney gave him a sideways glance. "Understand what?" he asked, all sarcasm dropped. His eyes flickered to the bruises and welts on Dex's wrists and he subconsciously rubbed his own at the memory.

Ronon sighed. "When you were…" he waved a hand vaguely, "…you know. After you overdosed on the enzyme. I just wanted to say that I understand how you must have felt."

McKay turned around to face his team-mate. "It was an ugly experience," he said softly, "and I'm sorry that you had to go through it. I know that what you suffered was much, much worse, but still…" He sighed and hesitantly reached out his hand to hold onto the ex-runner's shoulder – he really wasn't too good at the touchy feely stuff, but after four years his people skills were improving. "I'm glad you made it."

Ronon smiled and tilted his head in the physicist's direction. "Make two of us." He looked back out over the ocean and shifted slightly.

Rodney pulled his hand away and resumed his leaning. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I mean aside from the obvious psychological trauma of being fed on by a Wraith. You and Sheppard could write a self help guide on that, probably make a killing..." He winced, realising that his choice of words was not the best. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm pretty bad at this." He grimaced and waved his hands around apologetically.

"It's okay," Dex assured him. "I know what you meant." He sighed. "Actually, the Wraith bit doesn't bother me that much. Just gives me more of a reason to wipe 'em all out."

"I'm sorry about Tyre," McKay said softly. "Still, he went out doing what you Satedans seem to do best – killing Wraith."

Ronon managed a small grin. "We're good at that," he agreed. "It was his choice in the end. It was a good death."

McKay snorted. "I don't think _any_ death is good, but I see what you mean. It was… honourable, I suppose."

The Satedan nodded. "The thing is… I know I'm… clean… now, but…" he shook his head, somewhat amazed at how easy this whole talking thing was proving to be. "There's… I don't know how to describe it. I'm not…"

"It's like an itch you can't reach," McKay replied, his mind flicking back to the conversation he'd had with Sheppard two years ago. "You desperately want to scratch it but you know that if you do, it'll make things ten times worse."

Ronon looked at Rodney in amazement. "Yeah," he said, his voice hoarse. "How did…?"

The Canadian smiled ruefully. "Been there, done that. I know what it's like to have your body craving for more junk."

"It hurts," the Satedan admitted. "I thought I could deal with it, but…"

"Believe it or not, I've been there too. And it's so tempting to replace the itch with something else, but trust me, drowning it out with sleeping pills or alcohol isn't the answer."

Ronon nodded. He remembered how the physicist had acted in the months following his own withdrawal – he'd been more moody than normal, snapping for no apparent reason. He'd even seen McKay crying softly to himself on this very balcony late one night when he thought no one was around to see him. "How did you do it?" he asked. "How did you stop the itch?"

McKay ran his hand through his hair and bit his lip. "To tell you the truth… it'll never go away. It just gets more manageable over time. I… I did turn to drink for a while, but that just made me act out. I soon realised that the only way I could get on with my life was to not give in to it, to concentrate on my work… And know when to accept help from my friends. However, I suspect that your best bet is to go and beat the crap out of something." He glanced out at the sea and grinned humourlessly. "Of course, I still feel it now and then, but I know that I can't give into it. I won't let myself be weak."

"You're not weak, little man," Ronon stated, placing a hand on the scientist's shoulder. "Annoying maybe, but never weak. Besides, you only took the overdose to try and save us."

"That's true," Rodney conceded, "and there's your answer. I made a _choice_, a conscious decision. I took the enzyme knowing that it might kill me or, at the very least, send me insane. You didn't have that. You were forced."

Dex swallowed hard as the memory of the Wraith surfaced. He could see it plunging its hand onto his chest, slowly draining his life then restoring it. He could feel the pain, anger and sheer desperation, as well as the overwhelming need for more. "I nearly killed you all," he said quietly. "I could've. I wanted to."

"Again, you didn't have a choice."

Anger pulled at Dex and he glowered at the ocean. "I felt like I was invincible. All I wanted was to rip all of you to pieces." He smacked his hand against the railing and Rodney jumped slightly. "I should have been able to fight it."

The Canadian was silent for a moment, waiting for the runner's rage to die down slightly. He knew that Ronon would never hurt him, but there was no harm in being cautious.

"No," he said simply once the Satedan seemed calmer.

"No?" Ronon grunted incredulously. "What the hell?"

"Look, I suck at this whole 'talking remedies all' crap," McKay replied defensively, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning a hip against the railing, "but I do know that beating yourself up over the past won't do you a damn bit of good." He sighed in frustration as the ex runner gave him a puzzled look. "Jesus H tap dancing Christ, you stupid great oaf!" he snapped. "Do I really have to spell it out for your monolithic brain? We don't blame you and we never will. Stop trying to rip yourself a new one! Let. It. Go."

Ronon looked away for a moment, not sure whether to be insulted or touched by McKay's outburst. Going over it in his head, he realised that in his own unique, annoying and oddly endearing way, Rodney was right – as usual.

When he'd first met the Canadian, he had been amazed that the infuriating, egotistical man had any friends at all. Discovering that Sheppard and McKay were best friends had surprised him at first – but Sheppard was a good judge of character, so if he thought Rodney was okay, that was good enough for him.

Then he'd seen moments – much like this one – where the scientist displayed a level of empathy for his adopted family that would put Teyla to shame. He looked back at his team-mate and offered a small shrug. "Okay, little man. I guess I can do that."

"You do realise that you'll owe us big time for this, don't you?" Rodney asked, smiling lop-sidedly.

Ronon grinned back. "I think I can live with that," he replied, shivering as the wind started to pick up.

"Wanna go raid the mess?" asked Rodney, jerking his head in the direction of the door. "I know where the cooks stashed the last of the brownies."

The ex-runner grunted and headed for the warmth of indoors, followed by the scientist. As they walked down the corridor, Ronon ducked his head almost shyly. "I… I also wanted to… to thank you," he said. "For staying with me. You didn't have to do that. I… I wasn't exactly good company."

Rodney smiled. "No, you weren't and I didn't, but like I said, I knew what you were going through. Besides, you've done it enough times for me when I've been a resident of the quacks."

Ronon laughed loudly and deliberately bumped into the physicist.

"Hey!" McKay groused. "Watch where you're going, pal."

"Shouldn't have gotten in my way," Ronon shot back, feeling more like his old self.

"Neanderthal," Rodney muttered quietly.

"You won't be saying that the next time I save your ass from the Wraith."

As they approached the mess, Rodney stopped and pulled Dex's arm, forcing the big man to turn to face him. "I know we probably won't talk about this again, but if you ever need any help… if you can't stop the itch or just need someone who understands, come and find me." His blue eyes shone with an intense honesty. "I mean it, Ronon. You may think you're invincible, but everyone needs a bit of support now and again, even trigger happy, overly macho military types."

To his credit, Ronon didn't answer immediately, instead letting his team-mate's words sink in. He honestly believed that, and knew that choosing to talk to McKay had been one of the best ideas he'd ever had. Teyla, Jennifer and Sheppard had all offered a sympathetic ear, and although the Athosian had suffered the withdrawal before, Ronon knew that it wasn't on the same level as the Canadian. Having someone who understood had already made him feel better, and knowing that Rodney would help him if needed seemed to make the persistent nagging at the back of his mind go away.

After a couple of minutes, he nodded slowly. "You bet, McKay," he replied. "Now where are those brownies?"

Laughing, Rodney led the Satedan into the kitchen area.

-FIN-


End file.
